we all have times when things seem just too difficult, when the blows are falling on us and all of our usual methods of self protection seem not to be working.
This week has been a bit tricky. At the beginning of the week someone I love was in a difficult place. Despite almost a year of working towards being well, this week the universe seemed to conspire against them. This hit me quite hard. I am used to being able to fix things for those I love, I am the person who solves the problems, the one who can see a way through an issue and who hand holds for as long as is necessary.
Somehow this week I wasn’t able to do any of this. Instead, all the other things that I can usually store in that place in my head, the one where ‘I am choosing not think about that just now’ sits just beyond me, came crashing to the front demanding attention. So, for the best part of three days, I was in a complete fog of unsolvable, unfix-able and impossible scenarios, clogging up my brain space and affecting everything I said or did. Simple stuff was ignored, the big stuff was dancing on the front of my consciousness, night and day, I couldn’t stop any of it.
People around me started to notice. My normal, calm persona was replaced by a snappy almost angry person. I knew I was doing this, but was powerless to stop. Night time was the worse of all, sleep evading me, I spent countless hours with worries circling my head space. Mornings I was tired and my usual walking and talking stress busting failed to work.
Now, I have been alive quite a long time, so, obviously, this is not the first time I have felt like this, of course not. I have learned along the way, that no many how many hours I spend worrying in a dark place, nothing actually changes. I needed to remember that. The only thing that works is to either accept what you can’t change or do something positive to deal with the worries. The problem is, that when you are in the middle of it, this is hard to do.
Gradually I remembered this, I began to talk rationally with people I trust, who began to listen and to reflect back to me the things I was worrying about. Once said out loud, these problems seemed to diminish and my reaction to them similarly reduced.
Mid week and I am ready to do something different. A trip out, a rare visit to a cinema to see a film that made me laugh out loud, suddenly things start to feel better. The initial problems are still there, I just feel more able to deal with them. Perspective has been altered, I am seeing the world as it is, not as my mind was beginning to conjure up. The dark spaces are still in the distance but the good bits are once again coming forwards. It is not over at all, but it is getting better.
My worries are still there, all stored safely back in my head, and I am feeling more myself. I have to accept that there are some things I cannot change, no matter how much I want to. I can however change how I deal with them.
I am fortunate to have people in my life who care about me. Those who ignore my anger, knowing it is not directed at them but at my inability to fix things. Those who ask how I am and who mean it, and are prepared not only to listen, but to reflect back my thoughts, without judgement or favour.
Today is another day. We will walk along beside the sea later and I will remember all that is good in my world. This will always be tempered with sadness for those who are unable to find the good in their world. With concern for those I love and who are hurting, with anger at a world that doesn’t help, but hinders good people trying to live their lives. I will remember that there are more good people than bad in the world and that together we can change things.
So, I was down and I got up again.