on when it is all getting too much

Hubby is home, today is his day off and he has come back to help me pack up this house.  I thought I was doing well, but there are so many decisions to be made it is making my head hurt.

How do we have so much stuff?  It is a mystery to me, we moved here just over three years ago, and only brought exactly what we needed.  It is a continual surprise to find so many items and a huge challenge to know what to do with them

This morning in the kitchen it all got too much.   I really, really don’t want to be leaving here, I love this little house, the one that has driven me crazy as its small rooms are never quite big enough, but where I thought I was secure.  I thought I was making a forever home, well at least a for the foreseeable future home.  I cannot get my head around how fast all this has happened and it is actually breaking my heart.

Brave face on daily, I joke about moving on, looking forward to a life in our lovely place.  I am celebrating Hubby’s good fortune in finding a job he is clearly going to love, what is not to like?  Inside I am so sad.

To cheer us we have booked a weekend in Hubby’s home town for Autumn time.  We shall take part in a sponsored walk, which will be fun, and it has made me think,.   I spend so much time doing stuff I don’t have to do. I love the work we have done to support refugees, but if I think about the hours and hours I have spent on this, I am left wondering why?  I look at other people, who selfishly wander around the world, pleasing themselves.  Why don’t I do that?  Why am I brokenhearted not to be able to keep a home for my adult children, all of whom are very capable of taking care of themselves and why am I the one everyone seems to lean on, and where are they now?

A conversation this morning really hit home.  I asked for a bit of help, something I never do, and was rebutted harshly.  Not because the person I asked is horrid or because what I asked was a big thing, just because, at that moment that was reaction.  I felt upset, but then I worked out that the help I needed wasn’t even for me, it was for my daughter, and I need to let her sort herself out.  I know the person I asked will help and that they didn’t even know how much they hurt me, all will be well.  I have just never felt so powerless and rubbish.

Enough of the self pity, Mum would be furious with me, big girls pants need to go back on.  Trouble is I have no idea where they are, and even if they still fit me.  Right now it is actually all too much.

One thought on “on when it is all getting too much

  1. Hi Pam, I am so sorry this move is hard for you. We will all miss you too and I haven’t known you for very long. All I can suggest is there will be loads of opportunities for you and your talents just around the corner that you can’t see at the moment. You will still see your little Molly and you will always be special to each other. Do you think that person so thankful to the NHS for her two chances of life will not be given even more opportunities to shine, as you have done with your example of compassion for refugees? We can only see so far, but we will look back later and see the bigger picture of our lives.
    Thinking of you with love. Xx Liz

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