on raindrops and tears

there is a reason for the lack of blogs this month and it is quite simple really, I do not have the words for how rubbish I have been feeling.

It is increasingly difficult to motivate myself to do anything really, I seem to spend my days wondering what is going to happen next.

Hubby is in the middle of lots of tests and we are hoping to find out soon how broken hearted he is, and how they are going to fix him.  Meanwhile, he is going to work, loving his new job and coming home with lots of tales of new colleagues and new places to go.  I am so happy he is happy, and yet there is a cloud around us, for we don’t know what is going to happen next.

I started walking again last week, going out every morning, to the route I love, down towards the sea, along ‘my’ beach.  It felt good, I felt good, we can do this I thought, all is going to be well.  We are booked to walk the London Bridges in October, hubby and me and I was excited to do this challenge together in his home city.  As I walked daily, he joined me in the evenings, we are training for our epic stroll across ten miles of bridges.  The hotel is booked, as are the train tickets.  We are both looking forward to a normal fun weekend, the sort we used to have often.  It seems like it has been a long time.

You may remember that our previous trip, to the Para Athletics in July had to be cancelled as we were in the midst of his poorliness.  This was to be a chance to chill, have fun and raise some money.  Sponsors are coming in, the excitement was building.

Then, you guessed it, the letter for the test, the one were hubby has to actually go into hospital, that one, is booked for one of the days we are due to be in London.  I admit I cried.  I know his health comes first, I know we are lucky to live in a place where tests are done quickly and with care. I know all that.  But really, universe, did you have to book it for that day?  I cried again.

As I am getting used to the not going to London thing, the weather decided to take a turn for the worse.  Storms and high winds, rain making a loud sound on the caravan roof. It is cosy and warm inside, but I have no inclination to go outside at all.  It is almost as if the weather is joining me, with tears of its own.

I try so hard to put a positive spin on life in this blog, but frankly it is getting hard to do so.  It seems that every step of the way a barrier is put up or a bridge is torn down.  It is as if no matter what we do, or how we try, the tears are going to fall.

I have to keep reminding myself that it will be alright in the end, I just don’t know when the end will come.

Anyone fancy a weekend in London, we have a hotel room for sale?


Leave a Reply