A month ago today we had just moved into our new little house by the sea.  Tired from carrying boxes and sorting our possessions we awoke late and were potting around the kitchen when the telephone call came.

It was one of those moments when time stands still.  It has happened to me before, this heart stopping, bad news, even as you are hearing it, you know nothing will ever be the same again.  And it won’t.

Losing people we love is never easy, of course it isn’t, but the natural progression of life means it is something no one will ever fully avoid.  They say the price of love is the pain of loss, and I cannot disagree with that.  Mostly the people I have lost have been from a different generation, parents, aunts and uncles, all loved, all missed.  A few good friends have also gone, and the pain they leave behind is different, for them we feel a sadness in a life left unfinished, the days we spend from then on are tinged with their loss, especially at family times, Christmas and birthdays, anniversaries, all have a new meaning when someone is missing.

This time it is like no other, this time it was as if a part of me, my very being, has gone.   How can I live in a world when she is not here?  How can it be, this link to my whole life long, forever broken.  It seems incredible.  I am lost and bewildered, and in a moment I find my mind full of memories, full of our lifetimes and the realisation that today is the day it changed.

We were children together, I do not remember a day of my life she wasn’t part of it.  There were three of us, I was not a sister, but in truth I was, and I still am.  My own sister arrived some years later, and although we loved her, it was the three of us against the world.  Memories of childhood, bathing together after mucky play days, of all sleeping together, sharing beds and telling stories.  We grew older and teenage years were soon upon us, these roads we travelled together, holding tight in the tough times and laughing and dancing in the long hot summers, of holidays and happy times.

Later we grew up, our worlds were changing, marriage, children, geography all got in the way, and yet we spoke often, it was as if an invisible string held us all together.  We have all had our struggles, we learned that life is not as easy in adulthood as it appeared in childhood.  We learned how to get on with what was thrown our way, and there were times when life did interrupt us.  There were times when we might go a week without talking, but seldom ever any more than that.  My whole life, sixty years, and we spoke every week.

So, today, it is a month gone by, when the three of us are now just two.  We talk often, very often, together trying to make some sense out of how we, and my little sister, are the only ones left.  Grandparents, parents and now our sister, gone.  How on earth did that happen?

As ever we are focusing on those who need us, there are children, albeit adults now, who are left without a Mum, and we shall do our best to gather them up and make sure the road ahead is smooth for them.  I am thinking of my own family and my sister, who as we all grew up, also became close and is also feeling the loss.  I have no clue what will happen next.  I don’t know how to stop this feeling of ridiculousness, how can I be living, laughing and finding new adventures, when she is not around.  Yet this is exactly what I am going to do.

You see I know that the very best way to remember people is to talk about them often, to allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger and grief and then to stand up straight, look the world in the eye, and live.  For I have the chance to do just that, to live, and I will never forget that.

I will be forever grateful for the memories I have of the happy times, when strong and wilful women reared us, when we were loved enough to be taught right from wrong, and to be forgiven when we got it wrong.  I am grateful I can remember the laughter of our Mothers, colluding together to change the world they lived in. Learning to drive, gaining independence and showing us girls that anything is possible, if you want it enough.  Lessons that have lasted a lifetime. It is because of them that we know how to get on with things, they were a living example to us girls, from them we learned to be brave.  We are brave today.

So, today, a month on, and eleven days into a new year, here we are, getting used to this new life, and I know that in time we will find peace. The future is here, right now and I will do my best to do it justice.  This circle of life is a strange one, I am already older than my Mum ever was, and the next generation are already making their way in the world.  I am hoping to show them the right way, by giving them a map to manage along life’s paths, and they will have learned the strength from all the women that have gone before them.

Tomorrow is Friday, the last day of the working week, and the weekend will be upon us, I am spending it with best friends and will savour every second, for time with those we love is a privilege not to be wasted.  The days will pass, weeks will turn into months and old memories will sit alongside new ones yet to be made.  The world will keep on keeping on, all will be well.