so we have lived this new life for coming on two years, impossible as it feels it is almost twenty four months since we left the house in the Peaks, our friends and family, for a new life close to the coast. So many things have happened since then, they jumble inside my head, out of sequence and out of time, it is hard to remember. I know that our lovely place, for holidays and happy times became somewhere we felt trapped throughout a winter, it wasn’t much fun. Spring arrived and with it came illness, hospital, and the seemingly endless travelling to the city, most of which I struggle to order, despite it being etched into my heart. It was almost a year into this madness we found a new home, and things started to get better.
So here we are, twenty three months on, living in the most perfect little house, with an amazing garden, as I type this the sun is streaming in through the windows and there is much to be happy about. I am starting a week long break from work, and we are heading off soon for our first holiday together for many years. There is food in the cupboards and money in the bank, we have so much more than so many people.
It is therefore unbelievably selfish of me to talk about what else is happening, but I feel I must. It is so very hard to be truly happy here, at times I wonder if I will ever feel truly happy again. Everything I do, from my job, that I love, to our home and new friendships being tentatively tested and found to be strong, everything just feels off centre. It is as if I am watching myself live a life that has little to do with me. It is an uncomfortable place to be.
Complications from the surgery that fixed his heart mean that hubby isn’t able to work the same as before. Things that used to be simple are now tricky. No matter, he is well and I am thankful for that. I have spent a lifetime being the person who looks after everyone, so there is no change here, this is something I am used to.
Emotionally I am a bit battered and at times I know I can sometimes respond badly to things. Tears fall when once I would have fought, anger flares and vanishes in a second, and although on the outside I am falling apart, I am still the same inside. Looking in a mirror I see an older version of my Mum, and I wonder at times what she and my Dad would be making of this life I am living. That way madness lies, so I do not dwell.
So here I am, approaching late middle or early old age and reinventing myself again. As ever I put my energy into life, smiling and being positive. I am surrounded by lovely people, at work, at home and with my family. I know they all see a different version of me, than the one I see, and I know that I have managed to help and support many along the way. I am so grateful for this life. Perhaps it is indeed the things that go wrong that in the end make everything right.