count down to the beginning

 

22/05/2022

after tomorrow I will have 7 Mondays left of my working life, retirement is looming.  I have had so many jobs, worked with so many people, it is fair to say it took me a while to find what I wanted as my profession,  but I got there eventually, and now after a year of indecision I am hurtling towards the finish line.  It feels good.

This week has been tricky, the project I work on is ending, most people are worried, needing jobs to feed their children, pay their mortgages, there is a lot of uncertainty.  This is not helped by mismanagement of the changes, of emotions running high and feelings of inequality and injustice as some are treated differently to others.

I am the oldest person on the team by some way.  None of this is new to me and I have tried hard to support and advise others.  This countdown began back in September, 38 Mondays seemed a long way away then.  School life has moved, as it always done, from new starts to end of school exams.  It is as predictable as the seasons, and just as fickle.  The routines and rituals of a school community are like a powerful ship on a stormy sea, it can get rocky but never sinks.

It is the last week of this, my final half term, and tomorrow I will open my room, setup the laptop, organise files before meeting with colleagues, making lists and then spend the day with a stream of mostly teenagers who arrive at my door for support, for guidance, and to avoid their Maths lesson.  There is a rhythm to this that is soothing.  Even when, often, things are not going to plan, there is a comfort in this job.  Most things I have seen before, different faces, different lives but similar circumstances. Forms are signed, conversations held, and we move on to the next one.

So bring on the next seven Mondays, adventures are beckoning, times are changing, and for once I have no idea what is waiting for me.

27/05/2022

Yesterday was a a good day. School was as hectic and as usual and there was managed chaos in the pastoral department as so many things  happened at once.  All my teenagers yesterday were in a good place.  Working hard to make changes to ensure that they can get the best out of school, alongside dealing with life.   Half term beckons and the sun is shining.

I am going to miss working here, in this medium sized High School with a big heart. I will be forever grateful that I have been able to end my career here  it is a very special place.

Once home last night things got even better.  My son has arrived for a visit, the first this year, and it is so lovely to have him in the house.  His hair is growing long and curly and his smile is infectious.  I am so lucky to have my family, my three boys and my girl. I am so looking forward to spending more time with them all.

28/05/2022

Today has been extraordinary.  We, my hubby and my son and I, went for a day out beside the sea.  We took a tram to the top of the world and after wandering around the summit we chose a route to walk down.  The sun was warm, the Irish Sea miles below was turquoise and deep blue in places with white topped waves glistening in bright sunshine.  We set off down sloping fields, passing information boards telling tales of people who once lived on these slopes, the only thing remaining is the stone footprints of their homes and the furrows made by the ploughs.

This is a tough descent for me, my mobility isn’t great and the steepness is a challenge.  However with my lovely hubby in front I put my hand on his back and all is well.  We continue down and down towards the sea.  It feels amazing to be out in such open country, with the sea all around. We soon find a road, then another field and finally some steps which take us over yet more furrows and grass to the bottom and the road next to the water.

There is a bench in exactly the right place, we sit and unpack our picnic while watching the waves.  It is really warm now we have left the heights of the hills and I feel completely content.  This is a very new experience as so often I am worrying about stuff or unable to just let myself be.  To be in this place, having conquered my pain and made it to the bench, well it feels fantastic.  The blue of the sea is deep and vibrant this close by and there are tiny sailing boats bobbing about on the tide.

We finish our picnic and head along the road back to town.  This is an easy walk, however I am going slowly, I simply don’t want this to be over any time soon.  Chatting with two of my favourite humans, walking beside the sea, it is heaven.

Once back in town we take a quick break for a coffee and ice cream before heading back to the car and home.  Memories are so important, and today I have banked a dozen.

31/05/2022

The weather has changed bringing sharp showers and a cooler temperature, which made it easy to have an ‘at home’ day yesterday.  I was catching up with all the life admin that needs doing.  Hubby’s Blue Badge needs renewing, which meant finding all the right paperwork and uploading photos and details to the council who will issue it to us.  It made me think about how things have changed for us, and how, now, this seems so normal.  I am grateful we live in a country that makes this sort of support easy to access, we are fortunate. It has been good to rest my leg as well.  The hike down steep inclines at the weekend has woken my tendon problem, but I know with a couple of days rest all will be well.

I am really enjoying watching the tiny birds who visit our garden as they make use of the bird feeders we have on our windows.  They didn’t stand a chance with the bigger birds mobbing the other feeders, but here they are free to perch and dine as much as they want to.  It made me this about equality and fairness and how important it is to cater for everyone, regardless of size or ability. Creating a place where people, or birds, can all find what they need is so important.

03/06/2022

Half-term has rolled on and we are now on the last day.  It has been a busy few days and I have much to think about.  Mid week we made a spur of the moment decision to book a room in a hotel in the town where I was born.  We would catch up with family and enjoy a change of scene. We did all of that.  The room was spacious and clean, and in a building that had been a pub in my youth.  The road it is on is one I spent much time, as a teenager and later as a youth worker.  By then it was run down, boarded up buildings all around with just the coin arcades and pubs still in business.

It is fair to say that imagination and resourcefulness has completely changed the place.  There are new homes, bringing families to live at the bottom of the road, and the top half is now vibrant and busy, with shops, bars, cafes all displaying wonderful street art on their buildings.

Home the next day I was happy to have seen my family, and revisited my youth, but physically I was unwell.  The pains and aches returned with a vengeance and I could barely walk.  Rest is the only cure, so rest I did.   Being in pain is so debilitating and often makes me miserable, however it is important not to be beaten, and to keep on, so I did.

Yesterday was a fun day.  Good friends, made at the very beginning of our Wales adventure, gathered in our garden, to drink bubbles, eat nice food and be happy together.  Okay we were moved indoors by the rain, but it didn’t spoil the joy.  Later we walked to the beach for the lighting of a beacon, as it is the Platinum Jubilee this week.   There we met other friends and I was reminded how fortunate we are to have so many lovely people in our lives.  As for the speeches, heartfelt and many cheers, well to be honest it made me itch.

Three more days and the the final half term begins.  Seven Mondays to go.

04/06/2022

What a rubbish day.  After all the excitement of friends over and going to the beach to see the beacon I found myself in a lot of pain.  Luckily we had not a lot to do, so relaxed and napped and all was well.

06/06/2022

First day of the last half-term.  School is changing, there is a taste of freedom in the air, it is always the same.  Exams are almost over, the weather is sunny and you can feel the difference.  It is hard to imagine not being a part of this for much longer.  As I move about the corridors there are many cheery comments, ‘yes I had a good break thanks’, people are smiling and it feels good.  All the other things are still happening.  Some of our teens are broken, others are making the wrong choices, but as a team we have got this.  I will always be grateful that this is the place I ended my career.  Six Mondays left.

 

07/06/2022

today has been all about the girls, sassy girls, sad girls, confident fabulous girls, it was all about them all.  In the course of a working day I have dealt with a broken heart, a loss of mojo, and a sadness only time will heal.  Each very different and each very needy.  Days like this I love my job.  In amongst the chaos and the frenzy there are young people trying to deal with what life has thrown at them.  They do it well.  They ask for help, because they know they will get it, they talk about their fears because trust has been built and each of them managed a smile before they left.  Alongside this there has been the usual mayhem and humour, as, everywhere, teachers and support staff are gathering up young people and pushing them ever forwards.  Exam nerves,  no problem, a quick speed lecture over lunch. No uniform, no problem, lots of spares to loan. Unexpected periods needing pads, friendships falling apart, parents worrying, all dealt with alongside laughter and smiles.  It is a kind of magic, and I will miss it so very much.

 

09/06/2022

Driving to work this morning was one of those glorious Welsh mornings along the coast.  The sun was shining, the sky already blue and the sea reflecting this.  I was filled with emotion realising that the number of commutes is limited now, and I need to hold on to the good bits, this view of the sea, the same water my ancestors knew, and shortly the view of the mountains, all so familiar I have seen them in all weathers over the last four years.  Just then  a song came on the radio, it was from the past, when my babies were small, when I was fit and healthy and life was full.  Unexpectedly my eyes began to leak, as I became so tuned to the passing of time, once I pulled up at school I had to give myself a good talking to, before going it to start another day. Smile firmly on, we have this.

10/06/2022

Today the Year 11 learners finish their compulsory education. They did it with laughter, and a few tears, a trip down memory lane which through photographs showed them all five years younger, yet to grow into the young adults they are today.  Shirts were signed, donuts eaten and thanks and hugs dispensed.  The end of the assembly a quote was spoken and it touched me.  Credited to Winston Churchill went something like this.  ‘today is not the end, it is not even the beginning of the end.  It is actually the end of the beginning’.   Whatever it is for those leaving school, it struck me that, although I am nearer the end, I also have a new beginning to consider.  The world will go on turning, teens will go on learning and I will enjoy and new life.

18/06/2022

It has been a funny old week, with little time to write this diary.  School was, as it often is, a mixture of fun, tricky times and challenges.  I have been signing off those who are ready to finish and talking to others about what will be happening next term.  I am feeling a bit wrong footed as I have no knowledge of who or what is to replace the work I have been doing, which makes these conversations difficult.

Also this week I have seen excellence in managing difficult circumstances and the complete opposite and a shambles of how not to end a project.

Firstly faced with a teenager who feels stuck between a rock and a hard place, I looked to a senior team member for help. He was incredible as I watched him engage and empower her, while at the same time ensuring clarity of her options.

Later in yet another team meeting, the poor quality of management was ever more evident.  The lack of empathy, and leadership has always been an issue in this team, and now as we head to the finish line for some of us, it is getting worse not better.  It makes me so happy to be leaving, but sad that this is why I am going now.

Later this week the impact from poor management is causing problems for others.  I am trying to support with a mixture of humour and stern words.  It really shouldn’t be this way.

2/406/2022

The first of the gatherings to say farewell to colleagues happened yesterday.  We met in a bar for food, such an ordinary thing to do.  Colleagues I haven’t seen in real life for over two years sat around the table and we laughed and wished our friend well in her new life.  Then today a smaller group ate lunch on a terrace, with a wedding in the gardens opposite, warm sunshine and good food.  We met new people, who have brought their business to our town.  They were friendly and fun and the food was fabulous.  Most importantly this small tribe marked the end of our team of three.  We packed our friend off with gifts and love.  We will stay in touch, but nothing will be the same.  Instead it will be better.

 

25/06/2022

the end of another week, and we have just three and a bit weeks left to the end of term.  Business as usual, listening to teens, sorting out problems, celebrating successes.  This school is boldly inclusive, so much so that difference is barely noticed except to celebrate individuality.  For Pride and Diversity Week this week there was a rainbow arch across the main corridor entrance, with rainbow flags in bunting and on the walls.  This made for a runway of love towards all the LGBTQ community and made me smile a lot.  What I liked most though was that this wasn’t tokenism, but a true celebration.  The school has an active and supportive LGBTQ group, and the policy of inclusion really works.  It is a very special place.  Sharing the image with gay friends, there reaction was that of amazement.  One saying ‘imagine if our school could have been like this, everything would have seemed easier’.

While I think it is important not to discriminate I think it is more important to actively support.  None of the pupils in this school were remotely surprised by the decorations and celebration of Pride, they accept it on a daily basis, being taught in a place that values all the school community. If the world could be a bit more like this school it would be a much better place.

I am going to miss it so much.

26/06/2022

What a fabulous weekend this has turned out to be.  Saturday dawned with bright sunshine that very quickly turned to torrential rain.  This continued all day, sunshine and showers, and gave us the perfect excuse to stay home.  I pottered in the garden when the sun shone and cleaned and sorted indoors as the rain fell.  Later in the evening we prepared to watch Paul on Glastonbury, this closing act of the Saturday night had been long delayed, and when he took the stage he was the oldest headliner ever at the fifty one years of the festival.  I wasn’t expecting much, I thought his voice would let him down, I was wrong.  It was the most joyous almost three hours ever.  Songs from my childhood, teens and adult life belted out, we sang along.  My daughter in another city was with us online and we laughed and cried.  It was brilliant.

Today I have woken after a very late night and the world seems a better place. Somehow in the middle of the music a lot of my worries and fears seem to have vanished.  I wasn’t sure what the unfamiliar feeling in my bones was, until this afternoon on a blowy walk beside the sea I identified it as happiness.  There is much to look forward to.  Family are arriving later this week and next, work is winding down and the sun is still shining.  Things seem doable, possible as if watching one hundred thousand people dancing in a field has reminded me that the world is all still there.  We are all still here, and there is a new life waiting.

02/07/2022

Another working week finished and I now have just ten more days in school.  This week was challenging in so many ways.  Not enough staff due to sickness meant everyone was stretched.  I tried to help where I could but it was overwhelming.  The new High Schoolers were here from Primary, getting their first taste of ‘big school’, and their energy and sheer numbers changed the atmosphere around the building.  It is hard to see these tiny people as the teenagers and young adults that they will become.

I also had some incredibly sad news this week when a dear friend has lost a daughter to a car crash.  There are no words of comfort here, just a quiet standing alongside while grief in processed.  A reminder that nothing is promised for any of us, and we should make the most of every day.

As the weekend arrived one of our lovely sons came with it.  He is here for a week or two to rest, have fun and connect again with us.  A beach walk this morning and a hill walk later is planned and we will make the most of our time together.  He is so much taller than me, and yet I can still see the tiny baby, who grew into the most adventurous and accident prone boy.  Looking forward to having him around.

05/06/2022

Yesterday was a magical day.  I managed to fit in a morning at school dealing with some very tricky situations and still have time to spend with some of my most favourite people.

I have four children, all are now adult, and each of them are lovely easy going people.  This week one of our boys is staying, he needs a couple of weeks break and we are loving having him with us.  Monday night his sister arrived to spend time with her brother, and we were lucky as the sun shone, we went for lunch in a pub garden and then down to the beach. Later back in the garden we laughed and laughed sharing stories and enjoying being family.  Dropping her at the train to head back to the city I reflect again on how fortunate I am for having these lovely people, and to be living in such a beautiful part of the world.

My boy is only half way through his stay and asked last night if his friend could join us next week.  The weather is set to be sunny and warm and he would like a break too.  Of course we said yes, people are always welcome in our home, and we are looking forward to meeting another nice man to come and stay.

Just two more Mondays left at work now, and I am so looking forward to a new way of living, hopefully having more time with family and friends in the sunshine.  Bring it on.

09/07/2022

I have mostly been completing paperwork with young people this week in preparation for leaving.  It has been a funny time, some are ambivalent to the change, others are really not happy.  One boy in particular says ‘I will never see you again’, and while that may be true it is by no means certain.  Who knows what will happen in the future?

Last year I supported some very sassy young women towards their leaving and exams, together we agonised about their futures and what was going to happen next.  It reminded me of how change can feel.  I have no idea what the next months and years hold for me, but will always look back on this job as one of life’s gifts.

Out of the blue on Thursday I received a text message from one of last year’s girls.  She just wanted to tell me that she has passed her college course and is going on to a higher level next year, she says life is good, and she misses talking to me. It made me happy on so many levels, this message.  She was one of the more vulnerable learners, tricky times at home and with friendships, she never really blossomed at school.  We used to talk about how things can change, about new starts and how the world can begin to feel different.  It is so nice that not only that life is good and she is happy, but she picked up a phone to tell me.  A year on from the last time we spoke.  This has reminded me never to underestimate the impact you are making on others.  For good and for bad, your words will stay on.

I guess I am at the same point this girl was last year.  About to make a change that will alter everything and a bit unsure of the future.  I have just two Mondays left then a new life will begin.  I have done this before, I am good with change, all will be well.

13/07/2022

The days in this last week or so are flying by.  After ages of counting down, of feeling that time is going too slowly, suddenly it is almost here.  One more Monday and I am done.  This week has been strange, firstly meeting the person who will be looking after my job next term, then introducing her to colleagues and young people.  It felt very odd, and yet strangely comforting. She is a Youth Worker too, and understands informal education, I think all will be well.

This is the last hurdle, I can finally let go and enjoy the future, with plans to do exactly what is right for me.

The weather is helping too, wall to wall sunshine, blue skies and the company of my lovely son and his friend this week as added to the holiday feeling.  Days on the beach, walking in woods and generally feeling fun.

Another life is within touching distance, maybe the best really is yet to be.

16/07/2022

What a strange couple of days it has been.  There is a feeling of endings, collecting paperwork, sorting desk drawers and finishing off outstanding tasks.  Another feeling is also present, that of loss, and change and being slightly out of step with the world.

School continues as ever, sports days and reward trips, detentions and troubles, life is as it always is.  Everyone is tired, the young people, the staff, everyone is waiting for the last days to move along, so we can spend our summer doing lovely things.  I am also tired and ready for a break, but I am acutely aware that this end of term is different.  This time I am not off for six weeks, but for as long as I can manage.

Many people are asking me what my plans are, and looking askance as I say I don’t have many plans.  A couple of holidays, some ideas to develop and writing to get along with, but other than that I am happy for life to show me the next step.

Friday was tricky, there was a feeling of foreboding that wouldn’t shift.  Later I found from a colleague that our endings are not quite as we thought.  She was upset, I was a bit angry.  Today we can look more clearly and things are not as bad as we feared, but it proves beyond doubt that this time, this is the right time for us to walk away.  It was never my circus and not my monkeys, but I am saddened that a project with such potential is not being given the chance to thrive.

Onwards and upwards, today has been warm sunshine and the path to our front door en busy with friends arriving, and strangers bringing items to help others.  This is the new revolution, we need to take care of each other.  Maybe this is what I will do next.

18/07/2022

No more Mondays!  Today was all about evaluation and exiting.  I spent time answering questions, ‘What was the best bits?  What made it difficult?  I had spent time considering these answers and it felt positive to reflect on how the job worked and to offer ideas for the future.

Giving away resources and spending time with two cheeky boys the day passed swiftly.  This time tomorrow it will be done and the beginning will be beginning.

19/07/2022

Today the day finally arrived.  I was spending my last day in my lovely school.  Faced with having to take down noticeboards and pack up resources I was fortunate to have the help of one of my learners who was able to take down posters too high for me to reach.  It was a funny old day in the end.  My room door was open, music and snacks were available as teachers and learners all popped in to say goodbye.  Lunch was the end of the year traditional pizza delivery and the chat was of the future.  Another lovely colleague was also leaving and I think we could all feel the emotion.

Later we assembled under the sails in the middle yard.  Huge triangles of bright colours cover a circular seating area.  Lots of staff were there, in the last hour of the last day of term.  Kind words were spoken for all those leaving for pastures new.  Gifts were given and hugs were plentiful.  I was beyond grateful for the things said about how I had added to the school and supported all the learners.  It was amazing.  These people have been my work family for over four years, and as we chatted and hugged it began to be real.  This was my last day.

It was time to go up to the room to collect the last of my belongings and more gifts and cards. As I closed the door for the last time and walked down the corridor I did look back, and in that moment I saw all of the vulnerable, scared and angry teens that have shared their worries, their fears and their happiness over the years.  It truly was a special place and I have been privileged to play a part in all of their lives.  I did shed a tear, of course I did, I am leaving the best job in the world.

Arriving home with a car full of love we quickly headed to the local beer garden to spend a while letting ourselves get used to the idea that we are done.

Tomorrow is another day, and the start of another adventure.  I am the luckiest woman alive.

making memories

When my baby girl started to like live music we did everything we could to encourage her.  Driving to theatres, clapping and singing along, then later sitting outside venues waiting for her to come out, always with friends, always excited and so alive.  Full of tales of the bands, the people she had met and of the music, it has always been the music with our girl.

These precious times are long gone, she has lived in other countries, beating her own path to the life she loves, and more recently making her home in a city close to all our hearts.  To say I am proud of her is only a part of it.  I am proud of how she lives her life, how she is brave, and beautiful, funny and compassionate.  I love that we are still so connected despite it being years since we shared a home.

Today she rang to say she had managed to get a ticket to a concert tonight, the singer we both love, his songs cheer and bring back many happy times.  I am happy for her.  Then tonight I am on the beach, a place I love, the sun is sinking into the sea and she rings.  She is there, in a theatre so like the one I took her many times as a child, she is recounting memories and the happiness is literally contagious.  She misses me, we should both be there.  There are Mum’s with little girls and Mum’s with grown up girls, she is on her own and loving it.  Sharing with me with text messages and yes I wish I was with her, but I am more that happy to have his music on as I am typing this and knowing that she is there, living her best life.   As a Mum, this is all I have ever wanted.  For her to know who she is, and to choose her life.

Job done.

on being a ship, not in a harbour

 

When I wrote this piece I was in a state of flux, and now some four maybe five years later I can only gasp at how much we were yet to know.

It seems that when you leave the harbour the waves do get higher, the winds can be angry or still, and without a map or a chart to find your way, well you just don’t know what is coming.  If only I had known then what I know now.

We ploughed on through our adventure and have found ourselves in a safe haven of hope and lovely things.  We have friends that mean the world, who we would never have met had we not moved with the tide.  I have spent years in an amazing job, with wonderful colleagues and amazing young people, and everywhere we look the sun is shining today.

The best bit?  Well we haven’t lost all the good things we had.  We still have our friends, we talk to people we love every day, we are planning a retirement and will hopefully spend it in the beautiful town that has become home.  Unless those worldly winds decide it is time to move again, and if that happens we will set sail again, knowing that the journey is possible, and carrying the memories made with us every day.

 

for as long as I can remember I have had a quote on a wall where I have lived.  Several different versions, from the first one I purchased from a religious book shop in Liverpool as a student, to the present bought in a gift shop on the North Antrim coast several years ago.

You see I always understood that being safe wasn’t the same thing as living well.  Despite, or perhaps because of, Mum’s determination I would never do anything dangerous and uncontrolled, I longed for adventure.  I recall many arguments as I tried to explain to Mum, if she didn’t let me get lost, I should never find my way anywhere.

So, today I am thinking of the recent few months.  The upheaval of packing up a home, the chaos of belongings I had no idea we owned and the decisions of what to do with them.  The people left behind, the people still to meet.  It seems that the worldly winds are lessening, the storm is passing, but by no means over yet.  I awoke this morning wondering where I was.  I remembered, and instead of being happy in this, my happy place, for a brief moment I felt dissatisfied, this was not how it was meant to be.

The sun is shining here, to be fair it often is, washing has dried on the line, yet more possessions have been dealt with, and plans for the coming weekend are forming in my mind.  It seems to me that I need to pay attention to my own favourite quote.

‘a ship in a harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for’

I was comfortable in my harbour, and having been forced to set sail amid a storm, it is going to take time to find my feet again.  We are, I believe keeping an even keel, and the pitch and toss of the sea below us is becoming less unsettling daily.  Land is not yet in sight, but we are safe and moving forwards.

 

 

 

the truth about motherhood

it is a universal truth than nobody ever tells anyone what it is really like to be a Mother.  You learn, by osmosis, by watching firstly your Mother and later other Mothers come into view.  You assume you understand it.  A year of so of broken nights will be followed by fun making things with toddlers and supporting them until they go off to university and a life of their own.  What could be easier?

The reality is so different.  What no one ever talks about is the all consuming fear you get from loving that little person so much. From the first night they sleep without waking, to waiting for them to come home from partying Mums live life in fear.  There is the fear that something will befall our precious babies, to the fear that we are not good enough parents.

I doubt there is a woman in the world who thinks she got being a Mum right.  Despite the evidence of mature functioning adults, living useful lives, she will always remember the times it went wrong.

It is time to believe in us, the Mums who did their best, that were good enough Mums and understand that our children love us, the best bits and the not so good.  Mums make the world go around, we need to be proud.

not losses but gains

we all have rubbish times, we all have days, maybe weeks when the world seems against us and the future looks bleak.  Sometimes bad things happen and we have to learn to deal with them.  I know about these times.  These times have happened throughout my life, just as they have for everyone else.  We lose people we love, we worry about illness, we struggle for money.  All are familiar and normal part of being a human.  I think the clever trick is to not allow these dark times to overwhelm us.  To look for the light in the dark, even if it feels very far away.  That way we remember that day follows night and we can survive

Despite having lots of experience of dark times, I have found the last three years a challenge.  Those worldly winds took their time in throwing us about.  The worry of illness, coping with change, well it has been quite a time.  There may well be more to come.  However in this years Advent, which will start on 1st December, I am going to look at the gains and not the losses.

You see amid all the sad, difficult, life changing events of recent years, we have had our share of light.  It has come in the form of people and places, actions and kindnesses, that had we not been thrown into chaos, well we would have missed them.

We have found our happy.  We have stuck together and laughed, cried and sometimes danced our way through, four house moves, two hospital stays, and through the darkness we not only saw the light we claimed it for our own.

Happy has been a long time coming, and we know more that most that it might not stay, but here right now I will be celebrating the light in the dark, that led us to find our happy.

on waiting for the right time

it seems to me that there never really is a right time for anything.  A bit like the ship that hovers near the dock but never quite comes in to shore, or the dreams for tomorrow that disappear with the new day, for tomorrow never comes.

The right time has to be right now, always.  We don’t have any other option.  What actually was I waiting for all those years, I will be a writer when I have time, I will learn to cook, to knit, to sew, one day, one day.  Suddenly you relalise that the day is here already, the time is waiting you just need to decided how to fill it.

I am not talking about the big stuff here, of course it takes time to get a degree, to grow a family, to loose the weight, gain the information or whatever it is you need to do.  It seems to me that none of this happens with a beginning.  Without actually doing something, about not waiting until the time is right but making the right time now.

I used to think about the future, when I had a houseful of babies, then toddlers and eventually teenagers.  The spacing of my family meant I had children for twenty eight years, before they were all adults, and even then they needed me.  It came as shock to me that now is the time I was thinking of through all those years.  Now is the time for me to choose what to do based on my needs, not theirs.  It isn’t easy.  For example, I love to write, I have several ideas for books developing in my head, some have even made it to screen and paper, but nothing is ever finished.  I didn’t have time.  That is not true, I had time I just didn’t do it.

So now is the time, I need to do it.

 

 

walking and listening

The loudest sounds happen in the quietest places.  Mostly I hear my heartbeat, regularly thumping with a rhythm of its own.  It echoes in my ears as I climb the hill.  It is beautiful here, always.  My thoughts are loud in my mind, as usual I am comfortable with them rattling around my brain.  It is different thinking when walking, I move to a meditative state along these familiar roads, trees and views.  They give me the space to hear myself.  I mustn’t get too insular though, I don’t want to miss the crash of the waves as I reach the top of the hill.  I hope there is no one around, for this is my favourite place to be, and I would rather not share it.  Down at the shore I am letting the noise of the waves wash through my head, listening to the gulls calling,  the clouds are running by and the wind is whipping up.  There is a peace in this place, for here I can hear my ancestors, also on this beach, perhaps also thinking thoughts.  For nothing is new, all my troubles have  been dealt with by those gone before.  There is a peace to that, and to the silence of the noise of the sea.

it is not too late

it’s a funny thing being my age now, I feel much as I have always done, but deep down I know that things are changing.  My bones ache in a way they never did, my eyesight is being compromised and I am sure my hearing isn’t great, but inside I am still me.

I heard someone say that a recent celebrity, who had died aged 79 had had a ‘good innings’, which may well be true, but I am just fifteen years behind him, and I have much I still want to do.  I am struck by the thought that maybe it is all a bit late, that perhaps I am running out of time.

This time next year I will have finished working, hopefully forever, and will have free time to spend doing things I really want to.  I feel it is important to make sure that this time, and the months leading up to it are used well, that I make the most of this life I am living.  There are so many things I would like to do.

When I think back to my teenage years, my fondest memories are those spent in and on the water.  Swimming, canoeing, rowing having fun I would like to do more of this.  So it is on my list.  Similarly there are places I have yet to see, and places I want to return too and spend more time in.  There is music I would like to hear played live and people I want to connect with.   All of this and more is going onto my own ‘it’s not too late’ list.

Alongside the planning and the thinking about the future, I am not forgetting the Now.  I hope to make each day count, by doing something positive, something helpful, and something that makes me laugh. Little things that make for big changes, so when I am counting my blessings I am changing my thinking, and by understanding that my actions are mine to make and my ‘good innings’ is a work in progress, I can steer myself where I want to go.

You see, it really isn’t too late and I can do things I want to do, I hope to follow my Nina who managed some ten decades on this planet, that would be fun, but I guess it isn’t really how much time we have, it is how we use it, and that is up to me.

Advent Day 17 – Sliding Doors

If you could have seen our house at Christmas back in my teen years,  Mum had very fixed ideas of what was tasteful and loved to decorate for the season.  We had a six foot tall artificial white tree complete with fairy on top and lots of lights.  Never tinsel, tinsel was frowned on in our house, as were paper chains.  Instead we had shiny metal coloured lanterns that folded out and hung from drawing pins on our ceiling.

One year she decided to change them and instead set to to make her own.  I am not sure where she got the large branches of a tree from, but I remember her spray painting them and adding glitter.  These were then hung in the corners of our living room ceiling where she added big baubles hanging from the branch.  To be fair they were unusual and beautiful.  Things went slightly awry at the Christmas dinner table when Dad opened a bottle of fizz at just the right angle to send the cork straight through the glass baubles, covering the floor and some of the table with shards of bright coloured glass.  Oh dear, I don’t think we drank the fizz, and the lunch went cold as we cleaned up the mess.

Our family traditions continued in our own adult homes, where we made new ones with our families.  My very first Christmas as a newly wed in our house, well Mum and Dad came to dinner.  I was nervous, but think I managed to cook up a decent roast.  The next year we were without Mum, but still made a table of six or seven, then the next year it was just two and our toddler son.  When the grown ups die, that makes you the grown up and in my mid twenties I don’t think I was ready for that.  Still we made the best of it.  I will never forget setting that table, and remembering the people no longer with us.

This Christmas we will be home alone, and yet with technology we will be able to watch our Granddaughter open her gifts, and our family will be together apart.

Advent Day 16 – Sliding Doors

we have had many deliveries to our door in the past few days.  Unable to see our lovely family in ‘real life’ this Christmas we have been busily posting gifts to each other.  Some have been bought and wrapped in the usual way, then re-wrapped and taken to the Post Office, others are coming via a well known online retailer.

There is the problem.  Our family like surprises, we enjoy not knowing what we are getting, and the fun of opening packages on Christmas morning. As  the packages are building up and to keep the surprise we have decided to gift wrap the boxes, without opening them, so that on the big day all will be revealed.  Now this is all well and good, and would work perfectly, except that we have no clue which package is which, and indeed which contain non present items.  What a lark. I spent a good half hour yesterday determining which one of six newly delivered boxes was the correct one to open.  All was well, we found the right one.

I would never have thought that this Christmas would be one to look forward to, but seeing all the boxes  under the tree, well it is quite exciting.  It made me think about all the other things we are given that we don’t expect or even at times pay heed to.  Maybe 2020 is the year that I realise exactly what is important, and also that which is not.