on how it was always My Fault

Advent Day 3

Do you remember ever feeling really angry as a teenager, feeling that the world was against you, everyone else was having more fun, more freedom was better looking and had it all going on? Your parents were your enemy, always wanting to stop you having fun and to control you. Well when those days happened to me I would storm out of our house and run down two hills to stand on the banks of the Mersey. Once there I would lean against the railings and watch the waves crashing on the beach. I would look at the ships sailing out of port towards the ocean and imagine where they were heading for, who was on board and how much better life must be away from my small home town.

The feeling of wanting to get away from my home and in to the world was complete and sometimes overwhelmed me.  I felt constrained and confined within the family and the town and longed to be able to break free.  I was so sure there was more to everything than I could find where I was.  I was the discontented daughter of stable, loving and very contented parents.  They simply didn’t understand me for a minute, the clashes were endless, we argued about everything from CND to riding a bike, I was critical, moody, hormonal and rude I must have been a nightmare to live with.

On those days I would leave the river feeling slightly calmer and would eventually make my way back up the hills, leaving the route to freedom behind me.  I would come into the house and head for my bedroom, where, on my trusty record player I would want to listen to one song and only one song.  The Faces did moody teens really, really well and as I played this song loudly I believed I was sending a message to everyone letting them know exactly how I was feeling.

Take me like you find me, don’t try to change me, it will be my fault and no one else.

Well at least I thought that was what I was doing, in truth no one was actually listening.  They were probably too busy talking about how on earth they had managed to collect the wrong baby from the maternity ward.  Mum would be knitting or sewing and watching Coronation Street as they talked, too busy to even notice the lyrics booming out from above.

Years later remembering these times stood me in great stead in dealing with moody teens of my own.  Instead of confrontation I have always tried to let them be who they are at that moment in time, in a way, to encourage them to be discontented and to seek out the right road for themselves.

Three out of the four have never showed a moments interest in moving away or changing their lives, to my surprise they are content to be where we live, with their friends and family around them.  That is great for me, I get to see them often.  The one most like me is my youngest and my only daughter, she is as I type this of course off on her adventures which is as it should be. She has found the escape route I looked for and is making the most of it.  Maybe this is My Fault too.

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