on ups and downs and big girls pants

so, last time I wrote the problems were solving themselves, hubby was back at work and we had the prospect of a little house to live in.  So far, so good.  As quickly as things were going right, it all fell apart again.  It seems our references didn’t pan out.  My zero hours contract means we are not a good enough bet for the landlord so the house is gone as quickly as it was found.

Time to ask for help.  Online I am looking at social housing, filling in an enormous form, twice, actually because in my fragile state I forget to save it, and yet I don’t give in.  Then up to the town hall to give our documents in, to prove we are who we say we are, that we exist.  I leave with tears threatening to fall, in the street, crying is not an option.  Once home I lose it completely, the feelings of failure, of being ridiculous, thinking I shall never feel secure again.

At this point I truly lost the plot.  Sadness overwhelmed me, a sense of injustice, of guilt, had my decision making in the past led us here.  There is a case for that to be sure.  I needed to be reminded that I have always done what I thought was right at the time. If history shows I was wrong, well there is not much I can do about it.

So, that was me, yesterday, feeling about as rubbish as is possible.  Then along come my family and my friends, those that know me best.  Talking sense, and making me see that all is not lost.  I start to remember the things I am thankful for, start to see that moving to somewhere I love is actually not the end of the world.

Once again I find my big girl pants.  You know the ones I mean, when you take charge and remember just what you can do.  My back is straighter and my head clearer.  Last night, the first in weeks, I sleep right though and wake up feeling positive  This is an adventure.  We do adventures well.

I am a firm believer in the universe delivering what we need, even if sometimes we don’t understand the whys or wheres of it.  Only good can come of this, because we shall make it so.

Big love to those who helped so much yesterday, they know who they are.  I am still humbled by the amount of support and love flooding into my in box on a daily basis.

I am sure there will be more wobbles along the way.  The consultant appointment for hubby arrived yesterday, seeing it written makes it real.  I have no doubt they can and will sort him out.  The future is before us, and we shall make the best of every day.


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